A Year Has Gone By

I did not realize how I would feel writing this before now.  I know that I dont post here as much as I should.  Partly because its been month after month of the same thing.  How interesting is it for you to read about cd14 confusion as to if I ovulated.  12 DPO and still have a high temp, only to get AF two days later?  I mean, I realize content and variety is everything.  The thing that I was not realizing is that writing this blog was helping me as much as it helps those that read it.
To update you …..

I had the DNC in August, and went on 1000mg of Metformin after that.  He said that at some time I had PCOS.  I was expecting much to happen, but as usual nothing did.  I had asked The One when will this happen for us, and  he said “When we least expect it”.  OK. At the end of September I had gone to Florida for a week or so with my parents, my uncle passed…and sure enough it was right at the time I was going to O.  I was a mess, and was so torn because we have NEVER missed a month trying.  But how do I tell my mother I wont take her there, she lost her brother!  Long story short I go, and I am temping every day knowing full well that once I see the temp spike I am going to fall apart because we missed it.  I got sick in FL, the car ride there and back (I live in NY) was beyond hell and as far as I could tell I did not ovulate!!  I was too excited to even say anything for fear of jinxing it.

Oddly enough, once I got home, I ovulated.  So as it turns out we did not miss this month!  (Keep in mind, this is the month “We least expect it”).  I left yet again for my sisters bachelorette party in AC, and while away my temps were higher than ever before.  98.79 etc.  Could we have actually gotten pregnant on an off month?  Where we made love about four times???  I was a little optimistic only for the fact that it would be the story of my life…..and once again The One would be right….least expecting it….

Unfortunately the old witch showed her face right on time, and we once again were not pregnant.  I noticed that my period was heavy again, like before the DNC.  I called my OBGYN and the secy said to come in the next day (CD3) because of the timing for bloodwork.  I make the appointment and off I go.  I had a few questions for him.  Mainly why the heck is this just not working?  I have kids already, The One has children already but together, we have NADA!  He said I am not 21 anymore.  (Brave man).  Ok I get it, Im 40 and so are my eggs but there are  plenty of women that get PG over 40.  With zero help!  I also asked him a question for The One, about timing BD…should we be doing it every day?  Every other day?  Only when I o?  His answer?  EVERY DAY!!   As often as you want, and he wants.  I said Oh, but Dr. XYZ if he had his way we would do it day in and day out!  He advised me that I needed to be grateful that I have a man that loves me and wants me that much.  That he is not bored with me and still desires to make love to me always.  I sort of laughed and said do you know how exhausting that would be?  He said to me….I have known you a long time.  You have the same needs, dont f*** this up!  The conversation went on a bit longer, but I realized that I need to step back and not be the sperm donor cup but be the woman that The One wants to make love to 24/7.  Anyway….back to the topic

After reviewing my chart, he decided that a higher dose of Metformin was in order, along with Clomid.  So as it stands I am on 2000mg of Met, and 50 MG of Clomid, days 5-9.  (I know, I am already ovulating but this is just adding to our odds…more eggs, more chances to get pg).  The Met is kicking my ass (literally!) and I have to really get used to what I can and can not eat.  The Clomid I just started today so I dont feel it yet.

My mood has improved greatly about this whole TTC thing, because I feel like there is some light at the end of the tunnel.  Even if the Clomid does not work, there are still things that can be done, and I am not some barren woman.

If you read this blog, it has been one year cycle-wise since we had the second loss.  I do think about it sometimes, like how we would have the baby already and stuff.  But the weird thing, we just keep moving forward.  Keep growing.  I know that there is so much more to us than this TTC thing.  If there was not, we NEVER could have come this far.  For months on end I have gotten so much in the mail about baby stuff.  Formula, cord blood storage etc.  Today in my mail I got the very first maternity thing….something from motherhood maternity.  Maybe that is a sign? (Too plain for me, but it was a very nice gesture!)

I guess now all we can do is wait, and pray.  Oh, and sing.

The Facts & Nothing But The Facts!!!

If you are not into the science of baby making, then skip this post.   I am sure I wont be very entertaining……Ok, where to start.  At some point in the beginning of August I noticed that my periods were a bit heavier than they should be.  My little brain said to itself that I  must have a fibroid, since I had one with my last son.  After going to my OB/GYN, I learned that I did not have a fibroid, but a thickened uterine lining.  His first words were “You need a D&C”.  I was crushed, I cried, I got angry.  And then I went for the D&C and hysteroscopy.  I was told that I had no cancer, which was my biggest fear having had BC twice, I knew I was a higher risk for uterine cancer.  I did however have a dimple on the top of my uterus and my estrogen was way too high.  The dr put me on metformin, 500 mg x2 daily.

I dont really have much more to offer as to all of that.  I did get my period about two weeks after the D&C, which is when af was due.  If that is my period that I should be counting then today I am at CD9.  The ideal time for me to start doing things to be ready for CD15, when I should O.  One thing that I have learned…and this is huge for me….estrogen causes a lack of cervical mucus.  I have been taking Mucinex and EPO in past cycles, but it was frightening how the quality of my cm at the time of O was awful, even with them.  The metformin should help with that.  I did start taking fish oil which oddly balances out your hormones by helping the liver metabolize things somehow.  (Yes, I am quite scientific LOL!!) My progesterone is also low, which we knew.  Progesterone supplements will help that, hopefully.

Tomorrow is CD10 and usually the day I start the opk, the mucinex and any of the tricks I have learned over the past year.  I am, however, using a new trick….it is called believing!!!!  Stay tuned to see how that works out!!!

Missing….

It has been quite a while since I have written here….or anywhere for that matter.  I figured it is time to get back to a lot of things that I have left, and what better place to start than here?  TTC, while frustrating, is the closest thing to my heart.  Above fashion, lifestyle and even sex, this blog is the one place that I can write entirely based on my feelings and thoughts.  Very quickly, we took a small break from TTC, had a D&C and hysteroscopy, started taking Metformin, and about 9 days ago I think I got my first period post D&C.  So…here we are, back at the beginning.

Which is ok…….

For the past year we have been trying to get pregnant.  When we began, I never in one million years thought that a year later I would be sitting here writing this with no baby, or pregnancy.  On the off chance that it did happen like that, I figured for sure I would be in a straight jacket (Gucci, of course!).  Funny things happen though in life.  Because while we have tried to get pregnant, have gotten pregnant, have lost the pregnancies, the one thing that HAS grown, is us.  This last year of our life has brought us such a pandora’s box of emotions that the only thing that could have happened did; we got even closer.  Never did I doubt the fact that the baby we were going to have was going to be the most amazingly wonderful child, a product of our love.  But now, looking at the big picture, I massively underestimated the awe and magnificence of just what she will be to us.  Not because she is ours, but for the simple fact that a love as strong, pure, deep and true as ours could produce nothing less.

Aside from writing on here, I have not looked at one baby thing in a while.  Maybe its my superstitious nature, feeling that if I look at something I will jinx it and not get pregnant (especially after all of the medical crap that has gone on).  I miss it, I miss thinking about little baby shoes, everything and anything pink, just the whole train of thought that comes with it.  I recently was away where I found myself in a gift shoppe.  There was a shirt that said “I LOVE DADDY”.  I looked at it and realized that I put this whole baby-making bit aside, at least in my head for fear of not being able to cope with not getting pregnant.  I took a picture of that shirt.  I am sure I have looked at the picture 800 times.  Every time I see it, I think about how much The One loves me, and try to imagine how much he is going to  love her.  How amazing he is with his sons, and I try to wrap my head around him with our daughter.  Its quite a bit to take in.

Part of me is scared to start believing again.  Scared to know that we had a high score on our lovemaking timing, only to get my hopes up for naught.  Deathly afraid that I wont even ovulate now.  Just lots of fears, that I need to shake off.  This morning The One and I were laying in our bed and as usual, he had some wisdom for me.  We were talking about something, and he said “Oh well.  Nothing I can do, it is out of my hands.”  He went on to say that there are things in life that are just beyond what we can control and if something is meant to be, it will be.  I paraphrased of course, but that was it in a nutshell.   He does not know this, but those words have been on my mind all day.  If she is meant to be, she will.

Of course I can go on for days here, especially with all of the scientific medical stuff that I have been dealing with, and perhaps I will post something in the hopes it can help someone reading this.  But for now, I am going to end this with how much I miss ttc.  I miss writing, I miss thinking about her as if she is here.

Baby dust to you all!!!!

Finute!!!!

In Italian, or at least my home, when we were done we would say “FINUTE!!!”  Like, “That’s enough!” or “I have had enough!”.  So, yesterday was “UP TO HERE” and today, well, its “FINUTE!!!!”  In case you have not guessed it, my temp went down a little more today.  While we are still above the coverline temp of 97.44, (at 97.73) I am well aware of what is coming.  My cramps this morning were so painful that I wanted to scream.  So, what is a girl to do, when after six months at LEAST of TTC all  I have are a bunch of charts ending in AF, m/c’s and worst of all, no baby?

What I always do.  Cry.  Maybe break some sh**.  No, definitely break something.  Then, I will get up, wipe away the tears from my eyes and do it all over again.  Thing is, it is so easy for me to get defeated mentally when I truly feel like we have done our very best.  Who would not feel  this way?  We try month after month through some major life challenges, always putting Giuliana first.  So to feel  like it didn’t happen again is overwhelming.  I sat and thought about this month, and what could have gone wrong.  What made us not get  pregnant?  I thought maybe the stress of worrying about my breast health?  Maybe the stress from my family?  Who knows.

What I do know for sure, is that I am the worst loser on the planet.  I can not even begin to tell you how much more driven I get when something is placed in front of me in the form of an obstacle.  So, mother nature,  bring it.  You are going to have your little victory, I will cry when you come, that is just who I am.  But the truth is, what you have  is NOTHING compared to what we have, and we are so totally going to kick your ass.

When I say “FINUTE!!!”  today, what I am saying is enough of the self-pity.  Enough of the doubt in our ability to do this.  Just enough!

Up To Here

When I was a kid, whenever we were in deep trouble my mother would say she had it “UP TO HERE!!!” and she would raise her hand over her head.  That is where I am today.  This morning when I temped, I was at 97.79, a bit off from the 98.2 that I was at yesterday.  At 12 DPO, I am more than aware that its not a good thing.  Frustration took over, and I broke down.  Then I was thinking, maybe my thermometer is getting old? Battery dying?  Instantly I remembered that yesterday I could not get the memory function to work correctly, so maybe that’s it!!!  Reality kicked in, and I just have to accept that once again, this isn’t our month.

Every month when we get to the end of the cycle,  I find in me, somehow this little voice that says “It’s ok, just keep trying!”  I think about The One, and how he is so incredible, and how no matter what is going on we have this amazing love, connection and friendship that will eventually give us what we want.  Why is it NOT happening that way this month?  Why am I completely defeated?  I can’t stop crying because the reality is, we had a PERFECT chart.  Our intercourse timing could NOT get any better.  We hit every day before, on and after ovulation.  There is absolutely nothing else that we can do to make this happen.  And that, my friends, is what has me so completely beside myself.  I swear, I want to really punch someone or something.  Realizing that no matter what I do, how perfect we make every condition, if it’s going to happen or not, is completely out of my hands is unacceptable.

While obsessing  over this temp drop today, I did google 12 DPO temp drop and realize that if my temp goes up tomorrow it  puts us back in the game, and really, we are IN until  AF shows.  What this has done is only made me see that this month, for whatever reason, when AF does  come, I am  not going to take it well.  I have been trying to think about why THIS month has me so upset, to no avail.  Really, I just want to hit something.

To those of you that have been doing this for longer, I really dont know how you do  it, and your ability to keep going month after month is just amazing.  I am ready to pull  my hair out of my head and honestly, ready to just give up.  This endless chasing of something that I feel like I can’t have is making me crazy.  Crying all morning sucks.

Baby dust to you all…xo

Sometimes, all you can do is EXHALE

I honestly am going to say that I have no idea what day it is in my cycle.  Our chart was triphasic, and without detail, the world went haywire and Sunday I had a very heavy bleed, then it went away and has been a little here or there.  But for the most part, nothing to write home about.  (Yes, I would write home about my flow :)!)  With the amount of stress that has been given to us in the last few days, I truly expected that we were going to put our ttc efforts on hold.  Figuring that if it is meant to be, someday, it will.  How can I be so selfish and expect with everything going on to continue to try to have a baby?

So as I am processing the goings on of the last few days in my head, aside from the obvious things I would consider, I did need to take into account The One and I, and our willingness to continue to place ttc paramount in our life.  Prior to last week, I had asked The One to find a song for our baby.  We have a song, the greatest song ever.  I don’t know if it is some secret talent he has, but I know I wanted him to find a song.  One that I can sing throughout the entire pregnancy and then to her as I put her to sleep.  (Ok, I asked him because he never just picks something to get it done.  He truly puts much thought and 100% heart into such things, and I knew that when he DID find her song, it would be just perfect!).  So, in the midst of all of the turbulence, trying to find a bit of calm, I believe it was he that said he was looking for Giuliana’s song.  That was monumental.  No matter what goes on in our life, me, our baby-to-be and our love are still right in the front of his mind.

A day or so later, I had asked him if he ever had decided on a song.  He did.  As expected, it was beyond perfect and not only were the words by far the most beautiful, but I could learn it quickly (I already have!) and can sing it with ease.  Yesterday it dawned on me that I am somewhere in a cycle, and decisions truly had to be made.  If we are going to continue this month, I had to take my EPO, get the opk’s, etc.  So I asked him sincerely “are we taking a break from ttc or no?”  His reply was a very fast and very adamant “NO!”.  I think I caught him off guard, because I got the “Why are you asking?” and we did exchange thoughts, but the unanimous decision was obviously YAY on continuing our ttc journey.

What else could it possibly have been?  This baby is about our love.  Nothing else.  That love is so strong, so “UNBREAKABLE” (I use quotes because it is what he says).  How could we let anything that happens in life trump all that we want, all that we have, all that we expect from our life, our love and each other?  I had been reading his letters (he writes me a letter every day…..yes, be jealous! ) and in one of the letters he had said “There is nothing that we can’t do TOGETHER, but separate we can  NOT survive”.  That is what this is for us, more of us being together.  A need for us to add to our love on a whole other level.  A part of me, a part of him and 100% of our love.

I have not been myself for the last week.  Completely off.  But coming here, to this blog to write about what matters most to me, to us, has really given me that moment or two I needed to  just, as I said, exhale.  I have everything I need, and he has shown me that every word he has ever said to me, every thought he has penned, and every dream he has shared is true, reachable and worth going for.

With that, I need to figure out where we are, and get this show on the road!

Triphasic Chart

Yep.  Our chart is triphasic, according to my nemesis fertility friend.  According to them, we implanted possibly on day 23.  Which makes sense, because I have been feeling symptoms…..

Did I just say that?  After everything that we have gone through, did I actually offer a slight inkling of a hope that we indeed could actually be pregnant?  YOU BET YOUR BUTT I DID!!!  I have grown so used to failing that I have let that become my norm in TTC, and the reality of it  is, we have a really great shot at this.  Going into every month we start at the same zero.  This month we had better odds, and now looking at statistics, we are slightly ahead of the curve.  I am going to allow myself to get a little excited.  After looking at months of LOW intercourse timing scores, awful charts, feeling totally out before we even began, I am sooooooooo getting excited.

Like I said, I do have symptoms, and they all really are pretty strong (sore boobs, changes in boobs, tired, nauseous, heartburn, etc) but that is not even it.  I am so aware that many women get these symptoms as part of their PMS.  I dont.  I have become so in tuned with my cycle and body during this whole journey that I notice everything.  I have actually told The One that I didnt feel it, or I did feel it on occasions and I have been right on.

So yes, my excitement is a little bit backed with my “sixth sense”, but there is more.  It is a feeling of being tired of NO.  Being tired of NOT having our baby.  If this is it, and we are pregnant, I really don’t want ONE day to go by where I am not excited or thrilled at for the time in our life.  Silly?  Not at all.  Completely grateful?  Absolutely!!

I could write forever today, I am so totally filled with an abundance of thoughts.  I will spare you all them. I will however share my pregnancy monitor from FF and wish nothing but baby dust to every single one of you.  Oh, and I do follow blogs…to you, who is worried about the odd bleeding, relax, breathe and I am praying for you!!  xo.

BLAH

On my quest to maintain my sanity while get pregnant, I really just have sort of gone with the flow and decided that I am not going to care what fertilityfriend.com says.  I mean, at this moment if FF says YOU ARE PREGNANT….NOW…ok…NOW….we all know, it means nothing, since it’s really up to me and The One, not some website.  But in my alone thoughts, I can’t help but think that I may have ovulated Sunday, not Friday.  That temp dip and the temps below coverline just get me.  I have never had temps below coverline before.  I mean, yeah, sure it does not matter.

To the normal person.

To those of us trying to conceive, it makes all the difference in the world.  Why? Last night I woke up at 3:30 running to the bathroom, (if you are weak in the stomach, skip this part) with a mouth full of throw up.  My stomach was completely upside down and I sat on the bathroom floor, enjoying the coolness of the tile, trying to settle myself.  There was nothing in the medicine cabinet to help me, not a Tums, nothing!  I could hardly get back to sleep and had to sit up for over an hour with a basin on my lap because the nauseous feeling I had was unbearable.  It never subsided, but the tiredness won.  Eventually I konked out, and slept til about 7:45.  My stomach is not back to normal, and I have a strange smell in the air that I can’t describe.  So, how does this make a matter to my chart?  Well, if I ovulated on Friday, this could be tied to being pregnant.  I would be 6 DPO (I think, my math is not working this morning) and there is a possibility of symptoms this early.  If I ovulated on Sunday, well, not so much!

I spun my wheels, and like I said earlier in the blog, Friday I had the pink mucus which could have been blood from the egg rupturing from the follicle.  The cramping, indicating the same on Friday night.  My opk was positive on Thursday.  It makes SENSE that I ovulated on Friday.  Thing is, the damn temps.  If you google the symptoms of ovulation the  mucus could be results of an estrogen surge RIGHT before ovulation, the cramps could be the follicle enlarging before it bursts, and the LH could surge but I could not ovulate.  I think its like I can WANT to, but it doesnt happen for some reason and happens later.

So once again, what it comes down to is, this is all a matter of nature, and so far out of my hands.  Yet I continue to try to figure it all out.  You know, the definition of insanity?  It is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different outcome.  Yeah, this TTC is definitely creating my insanity!!!

Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

If you follow my blog, you know I am pretty much a control freak.  So to even imagine that NOW I would be taking matters into my own hands is idiotic.  Let me explain.  We attempted to keep me calm for weeks.  It actually went quite well.  I was in a great zone, not at all stressing about our chart, our fertile window or anything at all to do with TTC.  For the most part, even the every day things were rolling off my back.  The only thing we needed to know was when ovulation occurred so that I could begin some progesterone support.  (At this point, I’m thinking I have to take it immediately after).  On CD 14 I get my first positive opk, that was Thursday.  Friday I had wicked cramping, and pink CM.  I did google it, and learned that it could be ovulation spotting.  The cramping I knew was tied to ovulation because I have had that before.  Saturday, my temp was really not too definitive, but Sunday really threw me.

When I woke up to temp I was sure my temp would be higher than any other day.  I look at the thermometer, and I see 97.05.  Not only is this NOT the highest temp ever, it is the LOWEST of this cycle.  Remember that calm I had been talking about earlier?  Gone.  How on earth is it possible that this is happening?  It is very simple.  I am ME.  All of the charting in the world is not going to make my body do what the “average” woman does.  I could gear up to O and not, my temps could be off that day, or the cramping could be the follicle enlarging and not quite bursting.  Thing is, there is a scenario for every situation you could possibly present.  Which makes total sense because I am ME and no one can be ME, just as I can not be anyone else.

Once I finally went for a walk and calmed down (later in the evening.  Yes, I made myself sick all day!) I realized that even if I did O on Sunday, we still had a good score on fertilityfriend.com.  Because that is all that matters right?  That our lovemaking meets the standard of a software program analyzing the masses and creating a standard to compare everyone to.  Hold on.  There have been plenty of women that have had high scores, and not gotten pregnant.  Equally, there are women with low scores who have indeed conceived.    But that is not even the best part.

Yesterday, Tuesday, I wake up and my temperature is 97.79.  Clearly on an upward rise I am pretty sure that I have ovulated Sunday.  For S&G I enter temps in for the next few days just to see (I am that obsessed) and before I can get past Wednesday, I have crosshairs!!!  Guess what this lovely software is telling me?  No not Sunday, but FRIDAY!!!!!

So there you see my chart.  My thought?  Fertility Friend is not a help.  It is designed to make you freaking BATTY!!!  It wants me to keep going back and paying for this VIP feature to tell me how good I am or bad I am in relation to the GP.  Honestly, I have NO idea when I ovulated, and I am going to just ride this month out.  Next month, I am going to come out of this baby coma that I am in, and I am going to LIVE.  L  I  V  E.  I am going to do all of the things that I love to do, that I WANT to do and that make me who I am.  Having our baby would be the greatest thing I could imagine.  Truly it is.  BUT….

As a person, I am exactly what I am meant to be every single day.  If that means I am not pregnant, that is ok.  When I should be, I will.  As two people so incredibly in love, the definition of us is not a baby.  That is a product of us, and that is a huge difference.  Baby or not, we will still be as awesome as we are today.   I just need to keep this all in the front of my mind, and get back to being FABULOUS!!

CD 12

I do believe this is a record.  Yes, ten days ago I wrote here, and explained my wonderful sense of calm.  Well, here I am today, still quite peaceful.  Still fully content in everything being just as it is, and knowing that at some point, we will have exactly what we want.  But it is not my call on when.

In the meantime, The One has full access to our chart on fertilityfriend.com and he knows what days are what, so I have resigned myself to let it go and really enjoy the days with him.  Of course, like I said earlier in this blog, old habits die hard.  I have had two dreams where I have seen him holding our baby.  In the first, she would not stop crying and he took her and she just cuddled up to  her daddy and went right out.  The second, I walked into the room and he had her and was sitting in a chair and I just watched him love her.  It is moments like that where I want to grab the laptop, analyze the crap out of everything and just have this freaking happen already.

When I find myself in this place, I have to think, search and find a sign.  Why am I dreaming of this?  Sure, I want it, we both do.  The thing that I got from both of the dreams was his natural way with his daughter.  An ease, the way it just “happens”.  Funny thing, that is how we describe our relationship.  It flows.  I guess what my subconscious is trying to tell me is keep relaxing.  It will “just happen”.  Everything about us, The One and I, is completely based on love.  100%.  We really don’t have to think about it, work at it (of course we work at it, but not in that UGH sort of way!) and it is the greatest thing either of us has ever experienced.  So it would only stand to reason that the conception of our little one would be of the same form, the same natural ease as we, he and I, became US.

And here I am, on CD 12, not at all freaking out.  I know I did take my temperature, and honestly it was only so that I can figure out when I ovulate so  that I can take progesterone supplements.  There is a good chance I may not temp after I confirm ovulation.  THAT is not going to determine if we get pregnant.  We have what it takes for that.  Oh boy do we ever. 🙂