It has been quite a while since I have written here….or anywhere for that matter. I figured it is time to get back to a lot of things that I have left, and what better place to start than here? TTC, while frustrating, is the closest thing to my heart. Above fashion, lifestyle and even sex, this blog is the one place that I can write entirely based on my feelings and thoughts. Very quickly, we took a small break from TTC, had a D&C and hysteroscopy, started taking Metformin, and about 9 days ago I think I got my first period post D&C. So…here we are, back at the beginning.
Which is ok…….
For the past year we have been trying to get pregnant. When we began, I never in one million years thought that a year later I would be sitting here writing this with no baby, or pregnancy. On the off chance that it did happen like that, I figured for sure I would be in a straight jacket (Gucci, of course!). Funny things happen though in life. Because while we have tried to get pregnant, have gotten pregnant, have lost the pregnancies, the one thing that HAS grown, is us. This last year of our life has brought us such a pandora’s box of emotions that the only thing that could have happened did; we got even closer. Never did I doubt the fact that the baby we were going to have was going to be the most amazingly wonderful child, a product of our love. But now, looking at the big picture, I massively underestimated the awe and magnificence of just what she will be to us. Not because she is ours, but for the simple fact that a love as strong, pure, deep and true as ours could produce nothing less.
Aside from writing on here, I have not looked at one baby thing in a while. Maybe its my superstitious nature, feeling that if I look at something I will jinx it and not get pregnant (especially after all of the medical crap that has gone on). I miss it, I miss thinking about little baby shoes, everything and anything pink, just the whole train of thought that comes with it. I recently was away where I found myself in a gift shoppe. There was a shirt that said “I LOVE DADDY”. I looked at it and realized that I put this whole baby-making bit aside, at least in my head for fear of not being able to cope with not getting pregnant. I took a picture of that shirt. I am sure I have looked at the picture 800 times. Every time I see it, I think about how much The One loves me, and try to imagine how much he is going to love her. How amazing he is with his sons, and I try to wrap my head around him with our daughter. Its quite a bit to take in.
Part of me is scared to start believing again. Scared to know that we had a high score on our lovemaking timing, only to get my hopes up for naught. Deathly afraid that I wont even ovulate now. Just lots of fears, that I need to shake off. This morning The One and I were laying in our bed and as usual, he had some wisdom for me. We were talking about something, and he said “Oh well. Nothing I can do, it is out of my hands.” He went on to say that there are things in life that are just beyond what we can control and if something is meant to be, it will be. I paraphrased of course, but that was it in a nutshell. He does not know this, but those words have been on my mind all day. If she is meant to be, she will.
Of course I can go on for days here, especially with all of the scientific medical stuff that I have been dealing with, and perhaps I will post something in the hopes it can help someone reading this. But for now, I am going to end this with how much I miss ttc. I miss writing, I miss thinking about her as if she is here.
Baby dust to you all!!!!