A Year Has Gone By

I did not realize how I would feel writing this before now.  I know that I dont post here as much as I should.  Partly because its been month after month of the same thing.  How interesting is it for you to read about cd14 confusion as to if I ovulated.  12 DPO and still have a high temp, only to get AF two days later?  I mean, I realize content and variety is everything.  The thing that I was not realizing is that writing this blog was helping me as much as it helps those that read it.
To update you …..

I had the DNC in August, and went on 1000mg of Metformin after that.  He said that at some time I had PCOS.  I was expecting much to happen, but as usual nothing did.  I had asked The One when will this happen for us, and  he said “When we least expect it”.  OK. At the end of September I had gone to Florida for a week or so with my parents, my uncle passed…and sure enough it was right at the time I was going to O.  I was a mess, and was so torn because we have NEVER missed a month trying.  But how do I tell my mother I wont take her there, she lost her brother!  Long story short I go, and I am temping every day knowing full well that once I see the temp spike I am going to fall apart because we missed it.  I got sick in FL, the car ride there and back (I live in NY) was beyond hell and as far as I could tell I did not ovulate!!  I was too excited to even say anything for fear of jinxing it.

Oddly enough, once I got home, I ovulated.  So as it turns out we did not miss this month!  (Keep in mind, this is the month “We least expect it”).  I left yet again for my sisters bachelorette party in AC, and while away my temps were higher than ever before.  98.79 etc.  Could we have actually gotten pregnant on an off month?  Where we made love about four times???  I was a little optimistic only for the fact that it would be the story of my life…..and once again The One would be right….least expecting it….

Unfortunately the old witch showed her face right on time, and we once again were not pregnant.  I noticed that my period was heavy again, like before the DNC.  I called my OBGYN and the secy said to come in the next day (CD3) because of the timing for bloodwork.  I make the appointment and off I go.  I had a few questions for him.  Mainly why the heck is this just not working?  I have kids already, The One has children already but together, we have NADA!  He said I am not 21 anymore.  (Brave man).  Ok I get it, Im 40 and so are my eggs but there are  plenty of women that get PG over 40.  With zero help!  I also asked him a question for The One, about timing BD…should we be doing it every day?  Every other day?  Only when I o?  His answer?  EVERY DAY!!   As often as you want, and he wants.  I said Oh, but Dr. XYZ if he had his way we would do it day in and day out!  He advised me that I needed to be grateful that I have a man that loves me and wants me that much.  That he is not bored with me and still desires to make love to me always.  I sort of laughed and said do you know how exhausting that would be?  He said to me….I have known you a long time.  You have the same needs, dont f*** this up!  The conversation went on a bit longer, but I realized that I need to step back and not be the sperm donor cup but be the woman that The One wants to make love to 24/7.  Anyway….back to the topic

After reviewing my chart, he decided that a higher dose of Metformin was in order, along with Clomid.  So as it stands I am on 2000mg of Met, and 50 MG of Clomid, days 5-9.  (I know, I am already ovulating but this is just adding to our odds…more eggs, more chances to get pg).  The Met is kicking my ass (literally!) and I have to really get used to what I can and can not eat.  The Clomid I just started today so I dont feel it yet.

My mood has improved greatly about this whole TTC thing, because I feel like there is some light at the end of the tunnel.  Even if the Clomid does not work, there are still things that can be done, and I am not some barren woman.

If you read this blog, it has been one year cycle-wise since we had the second loss.  I do think about it sometimes, like how we would have the baby already and stuff.  But the weird thing, we just keep moving forward.  Keep growing.  I know that there is so much more to us than this TTC thing.  If there was not, we NEVER could have come this far.  For months on end I have gotten so much in the mail about baby stuff.  Formula, cord blood storage etc.  Today in my mail I got the very first maternity thing….something from motherhood maternity.  Maybe that is a sign? (Too plain for me, but it was a very nice gesture!)

I guess now all we can do is wait, and pray.  Oh, and sing.

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