I honestly am going to say that I have no idea what day it is in my cycle. Our chart was triphasic, and without detail, the world went haywire and Sunday I had a very heavy bleed, then it went away and has been a little here or there. But for the most part, nothing to write home about. (Yes, I would write home about my flow :)!) With the amount of stress that has been given to us in the last few days, I truly expected that we were going to put our ttc efforts on hold. Figuring that if it is meant to be, someday, it will. How can I be so selfish and expect with everything going on to continue to try to have a baby?
So as I am processing the goings on of the last few days in my head, aside from the obvious things I would consider, I did need to take into account The One and I, and our willingness to continue to place ttc paramount in our life. Prior to last week, I had asked The One to find a song for our baby. We have a song, the greatest song ever. I don’t know if it is some secret talent he has, but I know I wanted him to find a song. One that I can sing throughout the entire pregnancy and then to her as I put her to sleep. (Ok, I asked him because he never just picks something to get it done. He truly puts much thought and 100% heart into such things, and I knew that when he DID find her song, it would be just perfect!). So, in the midst of all of the turbulence, trying to find a bit of calm, I believe it was he that said he was looking for Giuliana’s song. That was monumental. No matter what goes on in our life, me, our baby-to-be and our love are still right in the front of his mind.
A day or so later, I had asked him if he ever had decided on a song. He did. As expected, it was beyond perfect and not only were the words by far the most beautiful, but I could learn it quickly (I already have!) and can sing it with ease. Yesterday it dawned on me that I am somewhere in a cycle, and decisions truly had to be made. If we are going to continue this month, I had to take my EPO, get the opk’s, etc. So I asked him sincerely “are we taking a break from ttc or no?” His reply was a very fast and very adamant “NO!”. I think I caught him off guard, because I got the “Why are you asking?” and we did exchange thoughts, but the unanimous decision was obviously YAY on continuing our ttc journey.
What else could it possibly have been? This baby is about our love. Nothing else. That love is so strong, so “UNBREAKABLE” (I use quotes because it is what he says). How could we let anything that happens in life trump all that we want, all that we have, all that we expect from our life, our love and each other? I had been reading his letters (he writes me a letter every day…..yes, be jealous! ) and in one of the letters he had said “There is nothing that we can’t do TOGETHER, but separate we can NOT survive”. That is what this is for us, more of us being together. A need for us to add to our love on a whole other level. A part of me, a part of him and 100% of our love.
I have not been myself for the last week. Completely off. But coming here, to this blog to write about what matters most to me, to us, has really given me that moment or two I needed to just, as I said, exhale. I have everything I need, and he has shown me that every word he has ever said to me, every thought he has penned, and every dream he has shared is true, reachable and worth going for.
With that, I need to figure out where we are, and get this show on the road!