The Emotion

When we decided to get pregnant, we sort of had a vision of what we were going to looking forward to.  We called the baby-to-be “Myrtle” and would make cute comments about “it”.  Shortly after the decision, we knew that we wanted a girl, and wanted to name her Gulianna.  Very quickly we had Gulianna envisioned.  She would have my personality and her daddy’s blue eyes.  She would pretend to hate snow and never swim in the ocean, but when I was not around, her and daddy would indulge in these things that I dislike.  We saw her birth, her first birthday, her first day of school and every other milestone she would have.  In September of 2013 we did get pregnant with our baby girl, and if you follow this blog you know how that ended.

Now that we have come to the point where we want to try again, I feel somewhat guilty.  Guilt towards Gulianna for thinking about getting pregnant again and guilt towards the new baby for not feeling anything yet for that baby like I did for G.  I don’t see myself pregnant, and I surely don’t see the baby being born, or any birthdays.  I cant even put a face to the baby to be. 

At first I wondered if that was me telling myself that I am not ready for this.  But the reality is, what I am feeling is so very normal.  I have experienced the very worst possible pregnancy outcome.  One that as women, we are not programmed to expect.  It was an impossibility to me.  Now that I am on the other side of losing Gulianna, I know indeed that this does happen.  I read about it and talk to women all day long that have gone through similar.  It is very possible and very very scary. 

In an effort to protect myself from that pain that is so crippling and life-changing, I have closed off the optimistic joyful part of getting pregnant.  I was telling someone today that when we do get pregnant, I will not buy one thing for this baby until the day they are discharged from the hospital.  I wont tell anyone I am pregnant until well after the age of viability.  Even the slightest ailment will send me straight to my OB or the emergency room.

Also, for all of my children I have used the same doctor.  I love him dearly and never imagined any other doctor caring for me and delivering my babies.  But now I am beyond hi-risk.  I am bereaved.  I will be going to the very best doctor in the country (if not the world) to have my TAC put in place.  That will be followed by the very best MFM specialist in the NYC area.  This doctor has actually flown out to see Dr. Haney put a TAC in place so that he can really treat women with them.

I am sure that this is all me forecasting how I will feel because I am not pregnant.  As stated, I am bereaved.  Once we get that positive test, or see the new baby alive inside of me, who knows, maybe that will all change.  Or maybe it wont.  Either way, The One and I will just take one day at a time.  All of the emotion that this brings forward we will handle together and keep going just like we have been since February.

Wish us luck, and baby dust!

Back to the Beginning

I have said that it has been a lifetime since we have been ttc.  Truth is, it literally has!  In the short year that has passed, our daughter Gulianna has been born, passed and therefore I can say it has been a lifetime. 

The reality is, I am sort of not too sure if we are ready for this.  But I do know that unless we get back up on this bicycle, we will never know.  It is very emotional to be trying for a baby when you have tried for so long only to lose her earthly being. 

So on my to do list is to find a doctor in the NY Metro area that will follow me close enough for my comfort.  Also, we need to decide if we are going to have the TAC put in place by Dr. Haney or settle for a closer doctor.  Dr. Haney is in Chicago, and is the creme de la creme for this procedure.  I have seen a few docs here in NYC that can do this, all from reputable hospitals, but after losing G, I only feel comfortable with the BEST!!  If you do  not know what a TAC (transabdominal cerclage) is, you should google it.  It is pretty amazing the hope that it has given to women like me who have an incompetent cervix. 

I will be keeping you updated as we go!!

Baby Dust!!

 

Easter

Of all the holidays that we have to have the “first” of, without G, I may have to say that Easter is the worst.  It is all about Jesus, and his suffering so that we can have ever lasting life, and peace.  It was an awful day, and while I knew it was going to suck, I had no idea just how bad it would be.  BUT…its over, and today is a new day.  There really isn’t much going on with us as far as TTC.  My blood pressure is high, and we are trying to get it down.  The latest medication that I am on says that it can be fatal to an unborn baby and that the patient should consult with a physician about birth control.  We realize that high blood pressure is bad in a pregnancy so we are doing all we can to remedy that before we actively ttc.

There isn’t much going on otherwise.  We both are working like crazy (as usual) and just are doing our thing.  I know that we will be back here active soon…..

 

Baby dust to you

Gulianna Hope…Our Angel

This is going to be the hardest thing to do, but it is hopefully going to help me.  On Monday, Feb. 10 my water broke.  I was not actually sure if it had or what, but when The One came home from work we decided that we should head to the hospital to let them see if it was.  When we got there, the tests with the paper were negative, not amniotic fluid.  Phew.  We were ready to go home.  But the doctor said what was described really sounded like it was my membranes rupturing and she wanted to do a sonogram and a test requiring looking at the sample on a slide, under a microscope.  As I watched her on the sonogram machine, I quickly realized it was in fact the bag of waters that had broke.  My heart stopped beating.  But I then saw G’s heartbeat, and it was strong.  I figured we would be admitted and hold off labor for a little bit.  I have a cerclage in place, so there is huge risk of infection and to make a very long story short, our Gulianna was born at 8:26pm on Tuesday, Feb. 11.  Everyone thinks that their baby is the most beautiful, but I am sure that she really was probably the most beautiful little baby ever.  At almost a pound, (15.7oz) she was so little, but was perfectly created.  She has her daddy’s mouth and my nose.  Her hair is halfway between daddy’s light hair and my dark hair.  She was trying to get her thumb into her mouth but settled on just sucking her tongue instead.  My parents were there for her birth, and so was her godmother, my cousin.  We all held and loved her.  In the background, the resident was trying to remove the placenta, with not much luck.  She got most of it out but I had to go into the OR for a d&c. 

Before they took me back, the nurse in the room had said that our baby girl had passed.  It was the most devastating point of my life to date.  But strangely, it was peaceful.  She was not taken from us, and no one wanted to put her down.  My OB came to bring me into the operating room, and at that point the nurse came in to weigh and measure her, and clean her up and dress her in a handmade white gown and bonnet.  She was wrapped in a blanket that I made for her, with medals of Padre Pio and St. Therese attached.  A few hours passed and I woke up in the recovery room with The One right by my side.  I was a bit foggy on what happened but he told me that my parents were with G and he was with me.  It was late, and I told him to go let them go home and I would be in as soon as the nurses let me.  I was wheeled into the room, it was just The One and his baby.  He had been playing music for her, his way of handling.  That whole night she stayed in the room with us.  Not that we got much sleep.  I dozed here and there, but it was the anesthesia.  I have seen The One cry before, but nothing ever like this. 

Wednesday morning, a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came to take pictures of her for us.  I held her, and he held me.  She took pictures of just me and G, her and daddy and then her alone.  We filled out her birth certificate and signed all of the papers so that the funeral home could come and get her.  We were waiting to hear from the doctor if I would be going home or what.  Part of us wanted to get out of there and get to the funeral home to make arrangements before a huge snowstorm hit.  The other part of us never wanted to leave that room.  It is where we had our family, and if we leave what would happen?

The doctor decided that it was ok for us to be discharged.  The nurse came in, removed my IV and we signed the papers.  She undressed the baby and wrapped her in a blanket and left so that we could spend the last moments with her.  Since before she was born The One had a song for her, and my dream was to sing it to her nightly as she went to sleep.  We pulled that song up on the phone and I  got to sing my daughter her lullabye.  We cried, and even screamed.  The nurse took her away.

My life will never ever be the same, and as of today, I am not even existing.  The One is completely devastated and we seem to cry all the time.  He little blanket that I made is with us at all times.  We sleep with it.  Its on his chest and he holds me close as its between us.  Today we were expecting to be called from the funeral home to go and bring her home.  We chose creamation, so she could come home.. We also had lockets made so that she is always with us. 

So what now?  We really dont know.  The only thing that we know right now is the one thing left is the love that we have.  It has been so unbreakable, and this situation has brought us even closer if that is possible.  When we are together, we seem to cope a little better than when we are apart.  We are just living one day at a time right now.  And that is ok.

The Longest Month

What a few weeks this has been. After the cerclage we went to the hi risk doc to check on things and at the visit we learned my cervix was opening above the stitch and shortening. I was sent home on strict bed rest, and had to go back in one week to remeasure. The instant the tech inserted the transducer I started crying. I could see a huge difference from last week and the panic on the tech confirmed what I saw. Above the stitch we dilated 1.5 cm and below the stitch was only 1.3 cm of cervix. The dr came in and explained the situation to us. It was not good but it’s not hopeless. I was contracting so I had to be admitted, and I think she just wanted to make sure I didn’t stroke out from the news. The next day my regular ob came in me we had a heart to heart.

What it comes down to is simply this. They can’t do anything for me until 20 weeks. (I’m 18 weeks 1 day today). If laying down and drinking water isn’t going to keep the contractions away, then that’s it. After thT point I cn go to labor and delivery for meds to stop the labor. We need to get to 25 weeks. I said to my doctor what are my chances and he said he isn’t a fortune teller and we have to take one day at a time. He said it’s not good. I said is it possible? He said yes. It is even probable. Of course a 25 week neonate is very scary but I will take that over a loss now. God willing we hit 30 weeks. My little guy was born at 33 weeks and he did amazing. The One’s son was born very very early and he’s had no major lasting issues. So I’m less afraid of a preemie.

Every day that I feel bad cramps or contractions I start to get anxious. Start to fear the worst. But The One has this “one day at a time” attitude to life so we do just that. I wanted to put aside her nursery and sort of see how it goes but we decided against it. Her nursery is being built and we ordered her chandelier and got the paint this weekend.

So as it stands now I’m going to be a mess until March 8. I am on total bed rest which stinks but it’s worth it. We go weekly to measure the cervix and check on the baby. I have to get a shot every week of 17p, a progesterone compound and nightly I have to use a progesterone cream.

The One has been doing absolutely everything he can, the poor thing and he stays with me in he hospital. ( he bribes the nurses with food!!:). For now we are home so he makes breakfast and sets me up for the day before he goes to work. I won’t lie and say this is easy on us but we both realize the gravity of the situation.

Keep us in your thoughts!

Pics

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Hi Mommy and Daddy!  Her little hand.

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It looks like she is talking on a phone!

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Her back is to us, and her legs are to the left…

Our Last Christmas…..

Alone!  Next year we will be going crazy making Gulianna’s first Christmas amazing.  It is really going by fast, the pregnancy and I am usually going crazy on Christmas Eve, heading here and there, and being hi risk, on bedrest, I have to say I am really enjoying this really peaceful night.  Today, we are 14 weeks, 3 days pregnant.  Despite all of the things that we have gone through in the past few weeks with a cerclage, spotting, bedrest, etc….she is doing great!  So far, we can say she is a thumb-sucker.  It is the cutest thing.  She also seems to be shy!  Whenever they do a sonogram, she is just sucking her thumb and not really performing acrobatics.  I guess she gets her love of sleep from her mommy!! 

I could go on forever writing about her, but we have presents to wrap!  I am going to add pics in a separate post….

Merry Christmas and baby dust to you all!!

D