Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

If you follow my blog, you know I am pretty much a control freak.  So to even imagine that NOW I would be taking matters into my own hands is idiotic.  Let me explain.  We attempted to keep me calm for weeks.  It actually went quite well.  I was in a great zone, not at all stressing about our chart, our fertile window or anything at all to do with TTC.  For the most part, even the every day things were rolling off my back.  The only thing we needed to know was when ovulation occurred so that I could begin some progesterone support.  (At this point, I’m thinking I have to take it immediately after).  On CD 14 I get my first positive opk, that was Thursday.  Friday I had wicked cramping, and pink CM.  I did google it, and learned that it could be ovulation spotting.  The cramping I knew was tied to ovulation because I have had that before.  Saturday, my temp was really not too definitive, but Sunday really threw me.

When I woke up to temp I was sure my temp would be higher than any other day.  I look at the thermometer, and I see 97.05.  Not only is this NOT the highest temp ever, it is the LOWEST of this cycle.  Remember that calm I had been talking about earlier?  Gone.  How on earth is it possible that this is happening?  It is very simple.  I am ME.  All of the charting in the world is not going to make my body do what the “average” woman does.  I could gear up to O and not, my temps could be off that day, or the cramping could be the follicle enlarging and not quite bursting.  Thing is, there is a scenario for every situation you could possibly present.  Which makes total sense because I am ME and no one can be ME, just as I can not be anyone else.

Once I finally went for a walk and calmed down (later in the evening.  Yes, I made myself sick all day!) I realized that even if I did O on Sunday, we still had a good score on fertilityfriend.com.  Because that is all that matters right?  That our lovemaking meets the standard of a software program analyzing the masses and creating a standard to compare everyone to.  Hold on.  There have been plenty of women that have had high scores, and not gotten pregnant.  Equally, there are women with low scores who have indeed conceived.    But that is not even the best part.

Yesterday, Tuesday, I wake up and my temperature is 97.79.  Clearly on an upward rise I am pretty sure that I have ovulated Sunday.  For S&G I enter temps in for the next few days just to see (I am that obsessed) and before I can get past Wednesday, I have crosshairs!!!  Guess what this lovely software is telling me?  No not Sunday, but FRIDAY!!!!!

March 2012

So there you see my chart.  My thought?  Fertility Friend is not a help.  It is designed to make you freaking BATTY!!!  It wants me to keep going back and paying for this VIP feature to tell me how good I am or bad I am in relation to the GP.  Honestly, I have NO idea when I ovulated, and I am going to just ride this month out.  Next month, I am going to come out of this baby coma that I am in, and I am going to LIVE.  L  I  V  E.  I am going to do all of the things that I love to do, that I WANT to do and that make me who I am.  Having our baby would be the greatest thing I could imagine.  Truly it is.  BUT….

As a person, I am exactly what I am meant to be every single day.  If that means I am not pregnant, that is ok.  When I should be, I will.  As two people so incredibly in love, the definition of us is not a baby.  That is a product of us, and that is a huge difference.  Baby or not, we will still be as awesome as we are today.   I just need to keep this all in the front of my mind, and get back to being FABULOUS!!

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One thought on “Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

  1. This cycle I plan to abandon the temp charting. I say plan, because as the madness ensues (still 12 days of the 2WW left for me!), I’m not sure I’ll keep my resolve. I guess I’ll find out of the madness causes obsessive charting, or if the obsessive charting causes madness…. I’ll keep you updated!!

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