Gulianna Hope…Our Angel

This is going to be the hardest thing to do, but it is hopefully going to help me.  On Monday, Feb. 10 my water broke.  I was not actually sure if it had or what, but when The One came home from work we decided that we should head to the hospital to let them see if it was.  When we got there, the tests with the paper were negative, not amniotic fluid.  Phew.  We were ready to go home.  But the doctor said what was described really sounded like it was my membranes rupturing and she wanted to do a sonogram and a test requiring looking at the sample on a slide, under a microscope.  As I watched her on the sonogram machine, I quickly realized it was in fact the bag of waters that had broke.  My heart stopped beating.  But I then saw G’s heartbeat, and it was strong.  I figured we would be admitted and hold off labor for a little bit.  I have a cerclage in place, so there is huge risk of infection and to make a very long story short, our Gulianna was born at 8:26pm on Tuesday, Feb. 11.  Everyone thinks that their baby is the most beautiful, but I am sure that she really was probably the most beautiful little baby ever.  At almost a pound, (15.7oz) she was so little, but was perfectly created.  She has her daddy’s mouth and my nose.  Her hair is halfway between daddy’s light hair and my dark hair.  She was trying to get her thumb into her mouth but settled on just sucking her tongue instead.  My parents were there for her birth, and so was her godmother, my cousin.  We all held and loved her.  In the background, the resident was trying to remove the placenta, with not much luck.  She got most of it out but I had to go into the OR for a d&c. 

Before they took me back, the nurse in the room had said that our baby girl had passed.  It was the most devastating point of my life to date.  But strangely, it was peaceful.  She was not taken from us, and no one wanted to put her down.  My OB came to bring me into the operating room, and at that point the nurse came in to weigh and measure her, and clean her up and dress her in a handmade white gown and bonnet.  She was wrapped in a blanket that I made for her, with medals of Padre Pio and St. Therese attached.  A few hours passed and I woke up in the recovery room with The One right by my side.  I was a bit foggy on what happened but he told me that my parents were with G and he was with me.  It was late, and I told him to go let them go home and I would be in as soon as the nurses let me.  I was wheeled into the room, it was just The One and his baby.  He had been playing music for her, his way of handling.  That whole night she stayed in the room with us.  Not that we got much sleep.  I dozed here and there, but it was the anesthesia.  I have seen The One cry before, but nothing ever like this. 

Wednesday morning, a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came to take pictures of her for us.  I held her, and he held me.  She took pictures of just me and G, her and daddy and then her alone.  We filled out her birth certificate and signed all of the papers so that the funeral home could come and get her.  We were waiting to hear from the doctor if I would be going home or what.  Part of us wanted to get out of there and get to the funeral home to make arrangements before a huge snowstorm hit.  The other part of us never wanted to leave that room.  It is where we had our family, and if we leave what would happen?

The doctor decided that it was ok for us to be discharged.  The nurse came in, removed my IV and we signed the papers.  She undressed the baby and wrapped her in a blanket and left so that we could spend the last moments with her.  Since before she was born The One had a song for her, and my dream was to sing it to her nightly as she went to sleep.  We pulled that song up on the phone and I  got to sing my daughter her lullabye.  We cried, and even screamed.  The nurse took her away.

My life will never ever be the same, and as of today, I am not even existing.  The One is completely devastated and we seem to cry all the time.  He little blanket that I made is with us at all times.  We sleep with it.  Its on his chest and he holds me close as its between us.  Today we were expecting to be called from the funeral home to go and bring her home.  We chose creamation, so she could come home.. We also had lockets made so that she is always with us. 

So what now?  We really dont know.  The only thing that we know right now is the one thing left is the love that we have.  It has been so unbreakable, and this situation has brought us even closer if that is possible.  When we are together, we seem to cope a little better than when we are apart.  We are just living one day at a time right now.  And that is ok.

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One thought on “Gulianna Hope…Our Angel

  1. I happened upon your blog while doing some internet searches on my own TTC journey. I am so amazingly sorry for your loss, and send prayers and warmth your way. May God continue to comfort you.

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