When we decided to get pregnant, we sort of had a vision of what we were going to looking forward to. We called the baby-to-be “Myrtle” and would make cute comments about “it”. Shortly after the decision, we knew that we wanted a girl, and wanted to name her Gulianna. Very quickly we had Gulianna envisioned. She would have my personality and her daddy’s blue eyes. She would pretend to hate snow and never swim in the ocean, but when I was not around, her and daddy would indulge in these things that I dislike. We saw her birth, her first birthday, her first day of school and every other milestone she would have. In September of 2013 we did get pregnant with our baby girl, and if you follow this blog you know how that ended.
Now that we have come to the point where we want to try again, I feel somewhat guilty. Guilt towards Gulianna for thinking about getting pregnant again and guilt towards the new baby for not feeling anything yet for that baby like I did for G. I don’t see myself pregnant, and I surely don’t see the baby being born, or any birthdays. I cant even put a face to the baby to be.
At first I wondered if that was me telling myself that I am not ready for this. But the reality is, what I am feeling is so very normal. I have experienced the very worst possible pregnancy outcome. One that as women, we are not programmed to expect. It was an impossibility to me. Now that I am on the other side of losing Gulianna, I know indeed that this does happen. I read about it and talk to women all day long that have gone through similar. It is very possible and very very scary.
In an effort to protect myself from that pain that is so crippling and life-changing, I have closed off the optimistic joyful part of getting pregnant. I was telling someone today that when we do get pregnant, I will not buy one thing for this baby until the day they are discharged from the hospital. I wont tell anyone I am pregnant until well after the age of viability. Even the slightest ailment will send me straight to my OB or the emergency room.
Also, for all of my children I have used the same doctor. I love him dearly and never imagined any other doctor caring for me and delivering my babies. But now I am beyond hi-risk. I am bereaved. I will be going to the very best doctor in the country (if not the world) to have my TAC put in place. That will be followed by the very best MFM specialist in the NYC area. This doctor has actually flown out to see Dr. Haney put a TAC in place so that he can really treat women with them.
I am sure that this is all me forecasting how I will feel because I am not pregnant. As stated, I am bereaved. Once we get that positive test, or see the new baby alive inside of me, who knows, maybe that will all change. Or maybe it wont. Either way, The One and I will just take one day at a time. All of the emotion that this brings forward we will handle together and keep going just like we have been since February.
Wish us luck, and baby dust!
TTC and The Insanity It Creates 