CD 26….And You Will NOT Believe This!!

Today is CD26 for me.  Normally I am about 11  or 12 dpo.  Well, not this month!!!  I am only 6 dpo!  What a roller coaster ride it has been too!  I had this great feeling about February.  Especially because I was going to ovulate on or extremely close to Valentine’s Day.  Well, that came and went.  Frankly, so did that whole WEEK because according to Fertility Friend, I did not ovulate until SATURDAY!!  Which was CD20.  I was pretty upset, because aside from the pregnancy monitor giving us a “low” score, thinking of how late in the month it was, well, just UGH!!!   Since then, I have had decent temp action, and yesterday it rose to 98.3, and today I spiked at 98.6.  Could we be implanting?  Possibly!  I do feel it this month.

But there is a lot  more to all of this.  As I continue on, and learn more and  more, the one thing that keeps getting clearer and clearer is the love that is the foundation for this whole journey.   The other night, my greatest love was googling something on how to increase the chances of having  a baby, and said at one point “what if there is something wrong with me”.  Of course, I know there isn’t, we have gotten pregnant before, but the first thing that came into my mind was – right or wrong, I wouldn’t want it any other way…..I love this man.   Of course we want to add  our Giuliana to  our life, but the reality of it is ~ if that is not in the plan, it’s ok.  When we are in our bed, and we are laying wrapped up in each other, that is not going  to go away.  The love will never lessen, it can only grow.

ANYWAY….

If you read this, and you are at all like me, you want to get your period, enter that on chart and have the whole thing figured out right at that moment.  I don’t mean figured out by the website either.  I  mean YOU want to say “ok, today I want this to happen, this day I want this to happen” etc.  What I am thinking is that maybe TTC is God’s way of actually getting one ready for parenthood.  Prepping us to realize that stuff is going to happen at the worst times, some at the best, and some may never happen.  Regardless of which of those lots you get, we should be grateful for even having the moments on the journey.  Tempering it all with love, as I am  learning, is what separates the journey from the destination.

CD 18, A New Hope?

There was just something about this month.  I knew it from the start.  That gut feeling you get. So you could imagine how my heart broke into a million tiny pieces when NOTHING happened on day 14, nothing on day 15, or even 16.    When day 17 came around, I was resigned to the fact that I was not going to ovulate this month.  There was only one other time that I had o’d this late.  Woah, hang on!  That was November.  It was the month we got pregnant!!!

Suddenly, the stars are realigning again for me.  As it is, my fertile window is always on the weekends, which never works out for us.  But realizing that our Giuliana is paramount, we have been making it work.  Everything else waits, and this past Saturday morning, we made sure to be ready for that big O.  Ready to see the positive opk Sunday or Monday, you could only imagine my disappointment when it was white as could be.  Add to it that I really was feeling nothing major in the CM department either, and I am sure this month, the month I thought was it,  was now a huge wash.  All because of me.  The One did everything he could possibly do, and my body just was not going to ovulate.

But then yesterday, The One bought new opk’s (we ran out) and the noonish one was almost positive!!!  I was extremely excited.  But me, being me, started to worry that if I did ovulate now, and we did get pregnant, would I have enough time to implant?  I know one thing, I can NOT handle another miscarriage.  Finding out that I had nothing to worry about, my mind went back to thinking “We are going to do this!!” and  sure enough last night right at bedtime I had lots of EWCM, and a positive opk.  This morning, same thing.  Instant and dark lines on the opk!!!  Looking at our timing, we really have a great shot at this!!

Ok, exhale.  I know I did not make  much sense in the above three paragraphs.  It is hard to talk factually when your head is full of emotion.  This is something that we want so much, it is so important to us.  I read in message boards about women who don’t tell their husbands that they are trying to get pregnant, or the men are not at all into it, and the women have to figure it out on their own.  Of course there are amazing men out there,  I  am sure.  But all that I am aware of is The One, and how he has been incredible and right along side of me throughout this entire journey.  He reads our chart, and has such an interest in everything to do with our getting pregnant.  I think the most touching thing ever was after we miscarried, he was reading online about it.  Im babbling, but it is only because I really think, and feel, that THIS month, FINALLY we got it.  I know only time will tell, and  really, it is not up to me, The One or anyone but God.  But having the hope that it is possible gives  me a  reason to exhale, the ability to see  past the broken me that was here for a few months.

And once again, I am headed off to the 2ww…..

CD 10

I am reminded of the song by Jefferson Starship, “We Built This City”, the line “…the countdown is getting near the fly time…”.  It has been years since I have even heard that song, but for some reason I can not get it out of my head.  Well, not just some reason.  I am very much aware that any time The One and I make love right now, could potentially be that magic moment! (to be honest, it’s always that magic moment, but you know what I mean!!)  So I find myself humming about, gathering thoughts for all of the writing that I am going to be doing today.  I have two articles to work on, some blogging to do, just a lot of catching up.

But I just can’t get this particular blog out of my head.  I want to be here.  I  want to be perched in front of my computer  screen, expressing the feelings that I am having about this particular cycle, The One,  and our Giuliana.  Monday I told you that I had this great feeling about this month.  It is still there.  Maybe because I am seeing so many things, signs if you will, that are telling me this is it.  NOW is the time.  Possibly my body and my  mind needed the time to come back from the m/c we had in December.  Of course, there is also the fact that I have had someone at my home for an extended period of time, who has just left.  Many things are just saying “This is your month!”.

Then, there is The One.  Early on in this blog I spoke of our love, how it is the strongest, most amazing  love ever.  Since then, it has only grown.  How it is possible, I will never understand, but on the same token, why would I want to?  Just let it keep happening.  Oh,  back to him.  In August, we were laying in bed ( you can read the earliest post of the blog for the full version) and I remember him telling me that he really did not want any more children.  Which was a scary thing, because at that time, I was pregnant.  Now, in February, there is nothing we want more.  I don’t want to seem snobbish, but I know there are people that want children to add to their family.  Obviously there are children that are wonderful accidents, and various reasons that people have children.

But our Giuliana?  Like our love, she will be “like no other”.   The want of her in our life is born solely from the love we have for each other.  A living, breathing representation of the most amazing, incredible and perfect thing that has ever existed in both of our lives.  I live for the moment when I will have our baby, growing beneath the very heart that beats for The One, for our love.  Part him,  part me, but one hundred percent US, it is not even within my scope of thought to think of how incredible she will actually be.  It just is so perfect that it is February, the month for lovers, romance, and all things love.  Yeah, I really can not help but think this is really it.

Another update

I really have been so awful at keeping this blog.  Not because of lack of trying to conceive, but with all of the other writing that I need to do, finding the thoughts to write this seem almost impossible.  Realizing that I am way behind, last night I decided that no matter what, I was going to write.  It is now February, and I am on CD 8 I think (I don’t remember what our chart said this morning).  For some reason, I really think that this might be the lucky month.  Perhaps that it is because I am supposed to O right around Valentine’s Day, or maybe it is because I am just so damn tired of NOT getting the BFP….whatever it is, I am feeling better about this month.

Which is more than I can say about a lot of other things.

Anyway, part of my inspiration for today came last night in the form of a text from The One.  I was home, watching the Super Bowl.  He was working, and for whatever reason I said “GO MYRTLE GO!!”  That was his cheer for our efforts to keep the temps up and for the little bean to find its way to where it needed to go, so that we would get pregnant.  Quickly,  he shot back a text saying No More Myrtle.  GIULIANA!  I sort of looked at my phone, and shot back a witty remark.  But I could not help but think about his text.  We want this.  We are past wanting, we are so damn ready.  My frustration has maxed out, and I am tired of feeling left behind month after month with a hope of a little one.  The feeling that I get, it’s sadness, anger, obviously frustration, defeat.  I look at our chart, and I see where we may have fallen short, as far as the timing of the lovemaking.  Then I get even MORE aggravated.  Shortly afterwards, I realize that it’s the new cycle, a new chance for us to time it all right, to get it correct.  And I hope.  I pray.  We cross the fingers and toes.

Eventually, I have gotten to the point where I say to  myself, this is insane.  Because technically the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over, expecting a different  outcome.  I know there is a process, and according to the doctor, it could take us six months to a year to conceive.  What I need to do is just find some way to occupy my mind, my time and the days in between my fertile window, the 2ww and my test dates.

Time passes today, and I somehow manage to  write a few other things.  The One asks me where I wrote, and I told him, also stating that I really want to get this done, my Myrtle blog.  In all caps I get a text:  ITS GIULIANA BLOG NOW MY LOVE.  Do you see why I love this man??  My issue is,  when I started this blog it was “Making Myrtle” and it had such a ring to it.  So I did  offer him the opportunity to give me something to work with for our new “Giuliana” blog.  “My little angel in the making…Giuliana” he sends.

So, today, it is official.  The One and I are no longer “Making Myrtle”.  We are working on “Our little angel in the making…Giuliana”.  My opk’s came today in the mail which is sort of  our kick off maybe?  Feeling quite ready and very good about this, let the baby making begin!!!