Up To Here

When I was a kid, whenever we were in deep trouble my mother would say she had it “UP TO HERE!!!” and she would raise her hand over her head.  That is where I am today.  This morning when I temped, I was at 97.79, a bit off from the 98.2 that I was at yesterday.  At 12 DPO, I am more than aware that its not a good thing.  Frustration took over, and I broke down.  Then I was thinking, maybe my thermometer is getting old? Battery dying?  Instantly I remembered that yesterday I could not get the memory function to work correctly, so maybe that’s it!!!  Reality kicked in, and I just have to accept that once again, this isn’t our month.

Every month when we get to the end of the cycle,  I find in me, somehow this little voice that says “It’s ok, just keep trying!”  I think about The One, and how he is so incredible, and how no matter what is going on we have this amazing love, connection and friendship that will eventually give us what we want.  Why is it NOT happening that way this month?  Why am I completely defeated?  I can’t stop crying because the reality is, we had a PERFECT chart.  Our intercourse timing could NOT get any better.  We hit every day before, on and after ovulation.  There is absolutely nothing else that we can do to make this happen.  And that, my friends, is what has me so completely beside myself.  I swear, I want to really punch someone or something.  Realizing that no matter what I do, how perfect we make every condition, if it’s going to happen or not, is completely out of my hands is unacceptable.

While obsessing  over this temp drop today, I did google 12 DPO temp drop and realize that if my temp goes up tomorrow it  puts us back in the game, and really, we are IN until  AF shows.  What this has done is only made me see that this month, for whatever reason, when AF does  come, I am  not going to take it well.  I have been trying to think about why THIS month has me so upset, to no avail.  Really, I just want to hit something.

To those of you that have been doing this for longer, I really dont know how you do  it, and your ability to keep going month after month is just amazing.  I am ready to pull  my hair out of my head and honestly, ready to just give up.  This endless chasing of something that I feel like I can’t have is making me crazy.  Crying all morning sucks.

Baby dust to you all…xo


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