CD 18, A New Hope?

There was just something about this month.  I knew it from the start.  That gut feeling you get. So you could imagine how my heart broke into a million tiny pieces when NOTHING happened on day 14, nothing on day 15, or even 16.    When day 17 came around, I was resigned to the fact that I was not going to ovulate this month.  There was only one other time that I had o’d this late.  Woah, hang on!  That was November.  It was the month we got pregnant!!!

Suddenly, the stars are realigning again for me.  As it is, my fertile window is always on the weekends, which never works out for us.  But realizing that our Giuliana is paramount, we have been making it work.  Everything else waits, and this past Saturday morning, we made sure to be ready for that big O.  Ready to see the positive opk Sunday or Monday, you could only imagine my disappointment when it was white as could be.  Add to it that I really was feeling nothing major in the CM department either, and I am sure this month, the month I thought was it,  was now a huge wash.  All because of me.  The One did everything he could possibly do, and my body just was not going to ovulate.

But then yesterday, The One bought new opk’s (we ran out) and the noonish one was almost positive!!!  I was extremely excited.  But me, being me, started to worry that if I did ovulate now, and we did get pregnant, would I have enough time to implant?  I know one thing, I can NOT handle another miscarriage.  Finding out that I had nothing to worry about, my mind went back to thinking “We are going to do this!!” and  sure enough last night right at bedtime I had lots of EWCM, and a positive opk.  This morning, same thing.  Instant and dark lines on the opk!!!  Looking at our timing, we really have a great shot at this!!

Ok, exhale.  I know I did not make  much sense in the above three paragraphs.  It is hard to talk factually when your head is full of emotion.  This is something that we want so much, it is so important to us.  I read in message boards about women who don’t tell their husbands that they are trying to get pregnant, or the men are not at all into it, and the women have to figure it out on their own.  Of course there are amazing men out there,  I  am sure.  But all that I am aware of is The One, and how he has been incredible and right along side of me throughout this entire journey.  He reads our chart, and has such an interest in everything to do with our getting pregnant.  I think the most touching thing ever was after we miscarried, he was reading online about it.  Im babbling, but it is only because I really think, and feel, that THIS month, FINALLY we got it.  I know only time will tell, and  really, it is not up to me, The One or anyone but God.  But having the hope that it is possible gives  me a  reason to exhale, the ability to see  past the broken me that was here for a few months.

And once again, I am headed off to the 2ww…..


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