Normally I go into the process with you. Tell you what day I am at, how I got here, and what is going on. Not today. It has been a long month, and by far this has been the longest week of it. When I started this blog, I named it “TTC and The Insanity It Creates”. Aptly so. Think about this; for the past how ever many months, I have been waking up far before I have to, just to make sure I get an accurate temperature. I refuse to pee on a stick to see if I am pregnant, but I will pee 87 times a day on an OPK to see if MAYBE I am ovulating. God forbid I am, because then I will rearrange my whole entire life to fit in baby-making sex. Do you realize, in the month of February, I did not attend Fashion Week because fertility friend said I MIGHT ovulate that week. For those of you that have no idea the significance of that, let me put it to you this way. ALL of my writing that yields the most income would have come from THAT week. I took a bit of a hit financially, and do you know what the best part is? I did not even ovulate until CD20. No money, and guess what? Yep, no baby. So, again, yes, this whole TTC thing, it has made me insane. FREAKING BATTY!!!!!
This morning, while laying in the arms of my very best friend, The One, he made a good point. This chart, this obsession, has taken over my life. Not the getting pregnant. We both want it, and we will completely do it. But the fact that you take ME, a Type-A personality and give her the tools needed to control what should be a process of nature, and really all you are doing is creating a path to disaster. The amount of tears that I have shed over feeling like I have failed far too many times than I want to say is beyond what should have been. My life, the one that is actually really good, is passing me by because I don’t want to drink too much, I don’t want to do ANYTHING too much because GOD FORBID it throws off my chart, or gives me a wrong day of ovulation, or a false temp.
My God! What have I become? Who am I? Yeah, if I met me, I surely wouldn’t know me! Fortunately, no matter what goes on in our life, The One has always made it perfectly clear that it’s us. Always US. Giuliana or no Giuliana. And I think it’s time for this girl to put away her thermometer, pick up her Vogue and get back to living her life. Don’t misunderstand, we are still going to try. Just not with ME being Mother Nature, since clearly that is not my forte! ( I never really did look good in green!) They say that when you just relax and stop trying it happens, so I guess we will see.
Oh, one more thing…..My greatest love, The One….I want to say I don’t know how you do it, put up with me, this crazy insane charting stuff, just everything around making our baby. But I would be lying. I know exactly how you do it. Every day, every night, I live it out. The love we have is so strong, and amazing. I said yesterday to you that you make everything better. Again, I lied. Because with you, everything is always perfect, there is nothing to make better. The gratitude I have to God for giving you to me is beyond anything that can be measured, and I know you hate ‘thank you’s’ but honey, thank you. Without you, there is no me.