Yes, you are reading correctly. Yesterday, that old hag made her self present. I called it. Totally knew it was coming and when I woke up and my temp was below the coverline, I had no doubt that it would be the day. Although fertilityfriend.com did not seem to think so because I received a notification that I had gone past my usual luteal phase length and could be pregnant. Frankly, I could be Russian too, but those are two things that I was not banking on.
So, sitting on my bed, newly back at a real, AF induced CD1 I felt sort of lost. If you have not read my blog and this is the first entry for you, I had a miscarriage on December 4, and my last period was October 30. It’s been a while. And now, being officially NOT pregnant was like a bee sting. Nothing so major that it wont go away soon, but really painful in the moment. The One, who is always the rational, strong one was even a bit taken back. There was an “F bomb” dropped, and we just both want this so bad, there had to be a”let down” moment with the arrival of AF. It would have been abnormal if we did not feel that way.
Thinking with the help of a very, very special scarf, I needed to realize that I had, in fact, met me. And maybe I am not what I would call strong (I cry easily, I have no patience, I’m emotional) I am far more than that. In our relationship, we are unbreakable. There is nothing that we can not do together, and we say this all the time. But, as I was thinking last night, I realized that my entire life, before The One, has been an uphill battle and the more broken I was, the higher I rose afterwards. At one point in my life, my ex had gotten into some trouble with the SEC, and we lost everything, down to the toilet paper hanging on the wall in our very expensive, ill-gotten home. When I went to the interview with an agent, I was a complete wreck. Just losing every single thing that I had, with little girls to worry about and a small amount of money that I put in my name, I had no idea what I was going to do. I said “The more you have, the more you lose! I will never recover from this!” and the woman handed me a tissue. But the guy said to me “(I don’t remember the beginning of what he said) ……..Remember, its not about what you lose, but what you gain, the greater the risk, the greater the reward”.
So I was thinking about all of this last night, and what I come back to is that I can do this. WE can do this. Best part is, we have ZERO risk. In the unlikely event that we never get pregnant….what do I lose? I still have the most incredible relationship with my soulmate, the man that I was created to be with, and who loves me more than he loves life itself. We have health, and air in our lungs, food on the table. Heaven knows, I have shoes in my closet, and that in itself will keep this girl smiling. This, TTC, is 100% about the reward. Myrtle. I am a Leo, The One is an Aries. Two of the thickest, most stubborn, most determined of all of the signs. What I do now, I take this scarf, and lift it to my face. Inhale with my eyes closed. Satisfied in my thoughts, at a fiery peace, I unwrap it from my neck and fold it, and return it to the space next to my pillows, where my hands can find it in my sleep. Thank you.
I know I am ok now. On the surface, like the little tiny scratches sand may cause, I might have a flicker of sadness for a moment. But deep down, where it really counts, I am so good, so ready. Nothing is going to stop us. Not a thing. CD2, lets get going here, I have things to do, and you really are just in my way.