When you don’t start at the beginning

The One and I have often said that we know each other so well.  On more than one occasion  he has said “I know you better than you know yourself”.  And one thing that he knows, as a writer, I need to have things with a beginning, middle and an end before they even start.  Everything is planned and finished in my head.  He, on the other hand has the amazing ability to live day-by-day, and no matter what twist or turn tomorrow throws him, he just takes it and handles it and walks away no worse for the wear.

With it being about a week since the M/C, and finally we are able to get back to TTC, I think that I am very lost right now.  I look at my chart, and I don’t know what is really day 1.  I have spent the last months charting and temping to learn a pattern, and I had it down, clearly, because we got pregnant.  But now, I have no beginning.  No point of reference to base the middle and end on, and it is making me crazy.  Fertility Friend has made day 1 the day I actually miscarried, December 4.  For some reason, inside, I just can’t be comfortable thinking that on day 15 I am going to ovulate.

My thought for today, then is, what does the girl who has to have 100% control of everything going on around her do, when she has absolutely none, on one of the most important things in her life?  Absolutely nothing.  Yep, that’s right, nothing.  If there is one thing that I have learned in the last, oh, month or so, is that with a little amount of faith, and a whole lot of relaxing, things might just go your way now and then.  And, no matter how many times you read something, or google it, or ask your doctor the same question, it is not going to change what nature, or possibly God has planned.  Reading about when I might ovulate after a miscarriage is NOT going to make me ovulate.  What I need to do is consistently temp, use the opk’s and take care of myself so that if and when it does happen this cycle, I am ready.  Thinking about it, I guess what I am doing is taking control of my fertility, and the whole process of “making Myrtle”.  Being on top of the whole thing, aware of all of the signs my body is giving me to let me know the best time for us to try again.

Some people may wonder why are we trying again so quickly.  Why not give it a month or two, but really, since it was so early, and I truly believe we are both ready, why not?  I have thought about the first cycle after, and how I may react to not being pregnant.  Honestly, I will cry, but truth be told, I cried every other month.  The sting will be there, but as with every thing else that gets thrown in this direction, The One and I will take it, and add it to the foundation of us, from where we have built the love that we have.  If we can’t find a reason to smile, I am sure that there will be some way we will be able to take it, and make us stronger, that is just what we do.

So, today, according to Fertility Friend is CD10.  The first day of my “fertile window”.  I am not sure, like I said, I believe it, but I’ll take it for now.  Maybe somehow we can come out of this cycle with a sticky bean?  And if not, that’s ok too.  I am thinking of taking advantage of this very small window of opportunity to go get my hair done…..hope everyone has a wonderful day!!


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