I really cant think of a title for this one!

Newly pregnant, there are so many things going through my mind.  The first thing, is complete shock that we actually did it!!  And that really, after only charting for two months, we were way above average, especially for a couple our age.  Yes, I said it.  But the reality is, I am 39 and he is 49……so take that for what it is worth.  What would the next nine months hold?  My mind was racing and if I thought that I had problems sleeping before, now I am officially an insomniac.  Friday night was awful, and Saturday morning I was up super early.  I don’t really remember why, or what I was doing but by ten o’clock, I knew I was ready for a nap.

The One was already at the store, and he had told me to go to our bed, get comfy, and get some rest.  I tried.  All day.  Sleep avoided me until about 4pm when on the cusp of hysteria, he called me and said just have a glass of wine, and that should help you sleep.  Finding the red, I opened the bottle and sipped away, but for some reason, I was getting MORE agitated, and knew that I was never going to sleep.  So what is a girl to do?  Rearrange furniture of course!!!!

In preparation for the Christmas tree that would be soon adorning my living room, I (along with my friend) began to shuffle couches, tables and anything else that needed moving.  And once we had everything where we wanted it, well, we moved it again.  My energy was peaking, and somehow I had forgotten to eat.  Fortunately, my friends phone rang and at about 8 o’clock I went into bed and tried once again to sleep.  I sent a text to The One, and let him know that I was going to try again.  Our text message for some reason turned into a conversation and the next thing I knew, I was halfway through “It’s A Wonderful Life” and my eyes were closing.

At 2:30 I woke up for my middle of the night bathroom trip.  I hate when I am so tired that I can barely see, much less figure out where the toilet is, and make it back to bed and get back into a nice, deep sleep.  But this time, there was no way I was going to sleep.  After I went to the bathroom, I noticed blood on the tp.  My heart immediately sank, because this was way too much blood to be “first trimester bleeding”.  I began shaking, and just put my hands to my head, and said ok, woman, you need to call the doctor.  But I checked again, and there was still blood.

I IMMEDIATELY grabbed the phone and called the Doctors office and paged my obgyn, and after he did not call me back in 15 minutes, I paged him again.  Stupid me, when he called me back, I realized I had his cell in my phone, but that is neither here nor there.  He said I needed to get to Good Sam, and I asked if I can go to Wynthrop, but he said NO, he has far more clout at Good Sam.  I remember saying, Please, tell me that bleeding isnt always bad.  And he said, relax, it is not always bad.

The entire way to the hospital I cried.  And I realized that I failed to put on a maxi pad, or even grab a towel.  So I sat with my legs tightly crossed, secretly hoping that somehow this would stop what I knew in my heart was happening.  Arriving at the emergency room, the triage nurse took me right in, and saw how visibly upset I was.  She had shared with me that during one of her pregnancies she had bleeding early on, and now her son was in his 20’s and has barely ever been sick!  I did calm down a little bit.  And then she said, can I see your pad?  I said, well, I never put one on, I just was not thinking at all!  The nurse looked at me, and she said you are not even bleeding through your clothes!! And with that, I suddenly got very calm.  I was able to hold a conversation, and was watching TV in the waiting room of the ER, making my  usual silly comments.  I did have a cup to give a urine sample in, but I did not have to go, or I was way to scared to, Im not sure which it was.

Then they call me.  I get bed 20, about six beds away from the rest room and the bed had no sheet on it.  Being quite efficient, I say to the nurse “Why dont I go give you some urine while you make the bed”?  I go in and the second I take down my pants, the whole thing begins to spiral downhill, and I am just completely convinced that everything has just come out of me.  Im screaming, crying and I cant even walk back to my bed.  All I want at this point is to be knocked out, I cant deal with this.  I keep telling them please dont make me go through this, just knock me out.  But the Dr. that is seeing me says that they need to see what is going on, because if I am still pregnant, meds may harm the baby.  I tried to explain to her that after what just happened in the bathroom, there is no way I am still pregnant, but I guess my lack of a medical degree mattered.  Laying on the stretcher, scared to move, scared to breathe, I just had to wait it out.

Eventually some woman came and took me for a sonogram, which I was not allowed to see.  I guess it was for the better looking  back.  Afterwards, I was wheeled back to my little space in section 20 and shortly after the doctor came in and told me that I had, in fact, lost the pregnancy.  Crying was all I remember doing.  There was a dark haired woman who did stick something into my IV, and the rest is a blur.

I knew that I was not going to the hospital and coming home pregnant when I left.  Its funny how we have the “sixth sense”.  Like I just KNEW I was pregnant, I just KNEW it was over.  And again, just that fast!  I dont think I will finish this now, I have written enough, my brain really cant take much more, but I do promise to continue.

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